Grieving

There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think of the last two weeks. As many of you know, my grandmother passed away on May 28th. She was the head of our family, the queen bee, our rock, and my sunshine. She had been falling ill for sometime but we didn't expect the events to occur as they did. Of course, you never know what will happen in the next 15 minutes, the next hour, or the next day. We all plan and have to-do lists and can have an idea of what is to come for us, but do we ever really know?

The last conversation I had with my grandma was on May 24th. She was all bundled up in her recliner with 3 blankets on covered up to her chin (it was close to 85 degrees outside) and eating her lunch. She was using her left hand to eat (she is right handed) because she was so cold. I helped her finish her lunch and then she told me she wanted some more grape juice. Okay, no problem. I'd love to help. I head down to the dining room, fill up her cup a little over half way and return to her room. She takes a look at the cup and says "They could have filled it up all the way". So I say... "Granny, I did that and I didn't fill it up all the way so you wouldn't spill it". She just looks at me with her I'm a big girl face. So I ask... "Would you like me to get you more ?" She says... "Yes, fill it all the way to the top, I'm thirsty." At your service Granny.

You are probably wondering why I am blogging about this conversation I had with my grandmother. Well, you see this was my granny. She was outspoken, never afraid to share her feelings or opinions with anyone. She and I would always banter back and forth and even if she acted like she was upset, she wasn't. She was just pulling my chain. I will miss that a lot. I know it made my mom laugh a lot.

We received a call the next morning from the assisted living facility that Granny's sugar had dropped to 23 and her doctor had said she needed to go to the hospital via ambulance. My mother and I rushed out and arrived there before they took her to the hospital. She was non-responsive and it was a horrible site to see your beloved grandmother lying there and not able to speak. The paramedic kept yelling her name but she wouldn't respond. This was not what we expected when we arrived. I asked the paramedic if I could try holding her hand and calling her name. I did, but nothing. I turned away to let the paramedic continue working on granny. As I did, I saw a look in my mother's eyes I have never seen before. It was a look of her heart breaking, not knowing how to help her own mother but also wanting to console her daughter whose heart was breaking as well.

My grandmother died four days later. I transformed into this person I was not familiar with. I didn't want to leave my grandmother's side, not for one minute. I knew that I had too though, for my two little girls. I know that my grandmother would not have liked me being away from them. She loved them so much. I spent as much time at the hospital by her side as I could. The doctors believe she had a stroke and she never spoke a word again. Granny would respond to our voices and she would speak to us through her eyes. My mom, brother, aunt and cousin all talked to her and we could tell she was talking to us, only without words. The times that I was alone with her, I told her how much I loved her, I sang a song she used to sing to me as a child, and told her funny stories about the girls. I know that she could hear me, I felt it in my heart. I was not there when she passed. I think she had planned that all along. I so wanted to be there but I feel she waited until I was gone. My mother and aunt where by her side. She did not suffer and she went in peace. That is the way it was supposed to be.

The days until her funeral were spent planning and getting all of the arrangements made. My mom is a rock, my rock. I so want to be like her when I grow up. She went through the motions of the planning and arranging but I know inside her heart was breaking. She took such good care of my grandmother. They were the best of friends and I know that my grandmother is thankful for everything she did to make her last year comfortable and safe.

I spoke at my grandmother's funeral. All weekend long, something was tugging at my heart and telling me I needed to say something, anything to tell the world how much I loved my grandmother. I don't actually remember what I said. I had nothing planned. I just spoke from my heart. It was the hardest and bravest thing I have ever done. I don't even remember walking up to the podium, I felt like I was floating. Everything was so surreal. During the calling hours, Roy and I sat outside on the steps of the church. The sun was beating down on me and the warmth of the sun felt like my grandmother's arm's around me. It was Granny telling me it was okay. She was happy, healthy and with her family again.

In my heart, I know that she is looking down upon me.

At night when I sing to Caroline and Makenzie, You Are My Sunshine and Neath the Crust of the Old Apple Pie, know that I am thinking of you and missing you.

I love you.